Tuesday, July 28, 2015
I need to find more happiness. I feel so much. Things get me down....they rock me to the core. I worry. I stress. How can I cope better? What can I do? Exercise? Run? Yoga? Oils? Eat healthier? Probably all that, but I am just so exhausted at the thought of such a lifestyle change. Overwhelmed. then I can't move, and I just keeping doing the same old, same old. If I were happier, would my marriage be better? I want a happier marriage. I fake it all the time. Like honestly. I fake my happy marriage. I am so jealous of others and their marriages. I know theirs are work, obviously, but I don't feel like everyone else's is a struggle. Or miserable. Mine is. I need to be happier with myself...maybe that would help my marriage. Plus, I need friends. We just moved, and I foolishly hoped to have a new best friend. I don't. Who wants to be friends with me anyway? I yell at my husband and make him feel like shit. I am pathetic.
My children are my whole world. I love them more than anything. My angels, my dreams come true, the answers to my prayers. My wish for them is more happiness and more confidence than I will ever have. I shower them with love. I support them. I give them space to fly. I encourage them. I hopefully inspire them. I love them with my whole heart and soul. They are my everything and I thank God for them every day.
I have not felt this much personal unrest and dissatisfaction in like forever. My husband is making me question everything. I get it, we have three kids and are super stressed and nothing gets done ever but I think we are supposed to be happier than this. I know marriage is work, but I just don't think it should be this much work. Nick is constantly exasperated with me. He views everything as an attack. He changed the toilet seat cover so i asked him to wash the rug in there, and it erupted into a five minute angry back and forth, concluding with him saying "I should have just shut up and caved." That is the whole problem. It was never an attack. Why couldn't it have been, "I don't think that's necessary but I know you value cleanliness, so sure." everything is a fight. Coupled with sighs. And eye rolls. So many God damn eye rolls. I am finally at the point that I am telling him that I am no longer attracted to him because he resembles his father more and more every day both in appearance and actions, and I did not choose to marry my father in law. I just don't find my husband attractive most days. I fear that we rushed into a relationship, I settled, and now we are stuck. Three kids, new home. We're stuck. I'm stuck. I mean, he treats me fine, is an amazing father, hard worker around the house, but he just constantly views everything I say and do as a battle against him. I can't take it. Sadly, I have dropped the divorce word so often, he doesn't even take me seriously anymore. In our good, clicking moments, I feel so sad about that fact. He has never initiated a sentence with the word divorce, but I have countless times. On our good streaks, I hate myself for it. I know I am tough to handle....high expectations, controlling personality. But I don't sigh all the time. I don't roll my eyes at every single thing he says. I don't view every conversation as an attack. I have told him that I love him but many moments also simultaneously hate him. I walk on eggshells...was that too bossy? Was that too OCD of me to ask? Is he going to feel judged? I just don't think we love and respect each other enough to make it the long haul. But I am too scared to pull out, and way too scared to start over in the world.