where am i going?

I work at a school with challenging demograhics. The students have tough lives. The students themselves are tough. They are up against some serious odds, just to make it from day-to-day.

And then here I am. Their teacher. I have stated my argument time and again, to myself, to my husband, to my mom. I am providing them with stability. I am part of a safe environment that they can come to every day. I am a compassionate person who they interact with every day. I am teaching them something academic, helping to guide them to a path of learning. I am hopefully pointing them in the "right direction" in their young lives.

But who am I kidding? I just don't buy it anymore. I can't make myself believe it anymore, because that's what I have been doing for a few years now: actually making myself - forcing myself - to believe the aforementioned argument.

The truth is, I feel like I am doing NOTHING to reach out and truly touch these kids. Instead, I am just a pain-in-the-you-know-what teacher who is forcing them to try to learn something and then doling out homework that I know they don't have the time, energy, or motivation to complete. Then they earn poor grades in my class (among others) and thus I contribute to a high fail rate and, in my opinion, a low academic self-esteem that is too common at my school.

I want to touch them. I want to learn more about each and every one of them. I want to sit down with them, hear their story, and then HELP THEM. I want to help them. I want to be part of a program that offers emotional support to these incredible teenagers who are up against so many odds. I want to help them find and locate community resources that will help them lead better lives - like food shelves, free medical care, night classes for their parents to learn English, child care options for younger siblings. I want to help them. I don't want to teach them anymore. I want to be a support system for them in an entirely different way.

But how do I do that?

I need to leave teaching. I need to. BUT WHERE DO I GO?

goodbye teaching career.

Goodbye teaching career.

I cannot WAIT to say those words. Officially. Formally. Permanently.

I feel like a traitor to my 20-year-old college self, who was so happily awaiting the day I would enter my classroom – my own room – and greet my students, plan my lessons, and make a difference in my students’ lives.

I feel like a traitor to my 8-year-old self, who loved playing “teacher” with friends, and asked for a mini whiteboard for my birthday, so that I could create the illusion of a classroom in my bedroom.

But I just can’t do it anymore. I just can’t.

Not only is it the build up of multiple years of disrespect of so many students, arrogance of honors students, apathy of SO, SO, SO many students…not only is it the isolation I feel while teaching at the secondary level because we are so separated by departments and subjects, the cattiness of so many female colleagues, the arrogance of male coaches who seem to focus on their athletics and just teach on the side…but also it is the fear. Fear of Connecticut. Fear of Columbine. Fear of a school massacre. Fear of what my students are capable of. Fear of the unknown. Just.Plain.Fear.

Without going into any detail, a student snapped today. He just went ballistic in the hallway, yelling absolutely terrifying things about what he wants to do to this school. He compared his wishes to the big stories we all know too well.

I was speechless. Though I do care about this individual and feel for him and his marred mental health…I care more about myself and my safety. I have children. I have a husband. I don’t want to lose it all or have those who love me lose it all (a mother, a wife) simply because of someone’s thoughtless act. I tremble at the thought. My heart actually hurts. Tears well up in my eyes. I have a very hard time breathing. My voice shakes and quivers. I.am.petrified. I honestly become consumed with these thoughts and cannot function as I know I should. I am not able to be the best mom I know I can be, because I am so clouded by this fear.

Is this how I should feel and be, when I show up at my job? My career? My place of employment? Is this fair? Is this right? Is there any other friend of mine who experiences these same feelings when he/she steps into work each morning? Why is it that way for me?

I’ve had it. Though I love teaching at it’s core – I love connecting with high school-aged students, I love talking to them, I love teaching them my content, I love when they come to me for help and assistance both academically and personally - I just can’t do it anymore. The stress and the worry and the anxiety is too much.

But what am I going to do instead?

Stay-at-home-mom? I would love that. But we are not there financially. And that’s ok. Someday.

Wedding planner? How do I start?

Photographer? I need MUCH more education. The passion is there, but wow – lots more education is needed.

Something crafty? Like I could sell on Etsy? Handprint plaques? Tutus? Wreaths? Invitations? Cakes? I would need to refine whatever craft I choose, in order to really excel.

Business world? Maybe an HR department somewhere would appreciate someone like me with an education degree?

My heart hurts just thinking about the crossroads I am at. I never thought I would be here. I thought I would be a “lifer” in the education world. But clearly, I am not.

I want to run for the hills right now, but I don’t know which hill to attempt, let alone what to do when I reach the top…

Someone help me.