emotions

I am a heavy-hearted person. I feel things. Like, I really feel things. I take on the emotions of others too much. I am constantly asking myself (actually, my husband is constantly asking me) "Who owns that problem? Is it you? No? Then you have to take a step back."

But I can't.

Take today for example. I learned that one of my student's brothers died last year in a car crash. Probably my most favorite freshman student this year. Simply adorable. Put together, studious, SO cute, and incredibly sweet. NOT FAIR that she has to experience this loss at such a young age.

I also had a conversation with another wonderful student of mine. She happens to be in my advisory, so I don't know her too well yet. Well, a few of her grades are slipping, so I asked her about that. She said that she can't stay after school anymore to get help, because her dad was deported a month ago, and now she has to go right home to help out at home with her family. NOT FAIR that she is experiencing this loss. How does she - and countless other students - stand a chance?

My aunt and uncle are struggling with HUGE health issues right now. More than anyone should be asked to handle ever, in their entire lives. And they live so far away. All I want to do is hug them, but I can't. NOT FAIR that they have these daily emotional, physical, and financial burdens.

So you see, my mind is consumed with these things. Just consumed. And then, as if there is any space left in my mind, other worries find a way to creep in. Stupid mom worries. Am I talking to Lambie enough, so that she will have a big vocabulary? Am I stimulating Bear enough, so that her incredible mind can grow and grow and be even more incredible? Am I setting a good example every minute of every day, or are my children seeing me too stressed out? I know Bear heard Niko and me arguing earlier this week and I still feel TERRIBLE with a capital T. Does Niko really know how much I love him? Am I ever going to finish sorting photos and making Lambie's photo album? Bear's birthday is just around the corner - will we be ready? When will the terrible two's go away? Am I handling the terrible two's as I should be - with grace and compassion?

Relax. Relax, Relax, Relax.

I don't know how to make my worries go away. I can tackle them one at a time, I can lean on my husband for support, and I can try positive self talk. But I will always be a worrier. I will always be a highly emotional woman who feels intense emotions. I need to accept that about myself and embrace it.

However, I know that I also need to reign in my emotions a bit. Yes, I will always be a worrier, yes I will always have intense emotions, but I need to learn how to express them in a healthy way. Like - if something goes wrong or if I feel guilty about something - it is not the end of the world. If someone comes at me with a different opinion than me (namely, my mom), they are not attacking me so I should not feel targeted.

Sometimes I wish I had a different emotional make-up. Like, life would be easier. I wouldn't find myself heavy hearted over everything, I wouldn't be worried about everything I do, I wouldn't get so frustrated in the face of adversity or conflict.

But at the same time, there's the up side to being so emotional. I am compassionate. I am empathetic. I am a good friend. I love hard and with all my heart.

I think I just need to embrace my highly emotional make-up...but
1. somehow figure out a way to separate or remove myself from problems I don't own. Acknowlege the emotion, but don't let it consume me. Like the stories earlier about my students.
2. go-with-the-flow a little more, like with the mom worries and/or the crabby interactions that can occur for any of us on a daily basis (like with our husbands, our moms, etc.)
3. Throw out the word "perfect." That word, in and of itself, is enough to stress me out, make me worry, make me feel inferior, make me feel guilty, etc. etc. etc. It creates a landslide of emotions for me...unnecessary emotions. Emotions that cloud everything, and don't let me enjoy the moment. PERFECT DOES NOT EXIST. Stop using that word. Stop thinking perfection can be achieved. Stop!

I can do it. I think I can, I think I can...